People in pain are profoundly vulnerable. People encountering people in pain often wish to help, but their frame of reference or personal brokenness sometimes gets in the way. Instead of helping, their words and actions inadvertently hurt us. From the overflow of their hearts come the words of their mouths, and the fearful specter of loss loosens many tongues. They are desperate to understand the purpose of this painful event and may also be grappling with the secret fear that this circumstance could happen to them. Few are the precious friends who courageously walk into the room of loss as others are hastily walking out.
For the widow or widower, there is also the barrage of endless, unmet expectations. You should have had more insurance. Mourned longer. Gotten over it sooner. Set personal grief aside and lived completely for your children. Seen a counselor. Taken meds. Lived alone with God and the memory of your spouse... forever. Kept a clone of yourself in the closet and been able to seamlessly accomplish the work of two parents without fatigue. Provided each child with a car, college education, and starter home. Been sinless, fearless, and superhuman. After all, since you are a follower of Jesus Christ, you must be like Mary Poppins... practically perfect in every way, right?
Wrong. Oh, so wrong...
As time passes, we eventually realize that we must also forgive ourselves for failing in more ways than we ever imagined possible as we blindly stumbled about in the throes of grief. How could we have fumbled the ball so badly when we were earnestly sitting at the coach's feet every time we could get to the locker room for instruction? Poor judgment is often amplified during times of loss, and one can be left with a mountain of self-recrimination. "I should have said or done this. I should not have said or done that. What in the world was I thinking when I..."
The ability to forgive is a gift from God. Much like salvation, forgiveness is a free-will decision that we may either embrace or reject. Like salvation, forgiveness also has many cleverly crafted counterfeits hot off the enemy's forge. Only by drawing closer to the Cross can we receive the desire, humility, and courage to forgive and the discernment to determine whether we are choosing the illusion or the reality of true forgiveness.
The first counterfeit is the all-too-human attempt of "one and done" forgiveness. "I will give you a second chance, but if you fail me again, we are done!" There is nothing Biblical about this impossible standard of perfection and a far cry from Christ's directive to forgive "seventy times seven."
Next is elephantine forgiveness. "You can ask for my forgiveness and pay me back many times over for what you have done. I will say that I forgive you, but I will NEVER forget this. Not only will I bring this up often, but I will also discuss your failure to meet my expectations with others. You owe me... forever!"
Then there is prodigal forgiveness. "I will forgive you and restore fellowship with you if you say you are sorry and then show me repentance by your actions." This one is actually Scriptural, as seen in Luke 15, but even this magnanimous gesture is not God's best.
The gold standard of God's love is unconditional forgiveness. "Though you are unable at this time to see your wrongful actions, and though you are unable to repent, ask forgiveness and turn from the error of your ways, I forgive you right now. I will keep no record of this wrong. I give up my right to feel hurt and angry. I will pray for you and will not rejoice in any further hurts you might experience. I will protect your reputation as if it were my own. Though we are still not reconciled, our story is not finished yet." That level of forgiveness is what Christ demonstrated on the Cross. It is the ultimate expression of love, for "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us," Romans 5:8.
Unconditional forgiveness is a challenging but attainable goal. It's 600 level Christianity that requires daily prayer and intentional effort. To quote my favorite author, Jan Karon, "Love is an endless act of forgiveness." May we all strive to humbly forgive one another just as we need to be forgiven.
Kay O'Hara
December 14, 2017
